How To Do "Small Talk" with Strangers

Different Strokes

People learn and approach situations differently. Some people like to jump straight in and just do things by gut feel, others spend some more time thinking about the task or activity they’re about to do. Sometimes that energy spent on thinking can get in the way of social engagements which are more enjoyable if they have a natural flow.  “Gut-feel people” are guided more by their intuition and the energy they receive as feedback to their behaviour. “Thinkers” sometimes get a little stuck and break the flow that would make mingling with others seem so natural.

However “thinkers” can use balanced and appropriate thinking to their advantage and “gut-feel” people could use some basic concepts to enhance communication and social engagement.

Time Structuring

The psychiatrist Eric Berne gave structure to the time we spend according to his theory of Transactional Analysis. There are six ways we spend time: 

• Withdrawal- the time a person spends on their own without contact with others. This may be intentional lack of engagement with others which each party feels OK with, or lack of contact due to lack of trust or shyness (as examples where one or both parties do not feel OK).

• Rituals- a familiar social interaction which involves gestures and speech particular to culture and language as if rehearsed. Eg. Shaking hands, exchange of “Hello, how are you?” etc. Matching the ritual particular to the other person is important in building rapport and trust and serves as a gateway to less rehearsed ways of spending time with the other.

• Pastimes- eg.  Talking about weather, sport and interests. People talk about something without actually engaging in action on the topic. This is a safe way for people to exchange light strokes (Transactional Analysis concept) and is a stepping-stone to deeper level interaction.

• Activities- people can engage in activity alone or with someone else. This is another structure in which people exchange strokes.

• Games- psychological games are all played out without awareness. They are not necessarily viewed as helpful in conventional interaction. Game-playing takes place when these destructive/unhelpful patterns of behaviour go on repeatedly and without being addressed. Indications a game is being played is when one/both parties are feeling not OK with themselves or the other.

• Intimacy- when people share authentic feelings without censorship, they are engaged in intimacy. These can be “positive” or “negative” feelings.

So "Pastimes" is another word for small-talk. Some examples of questions you might ask to stimulate small-talk are “So what are your interests?”, “What are you looking forward to most this year?”, “What was the highlight of your week?” and so on. Think of your own ones too. 

Doing It

Looking at how your conversation partner dresses, presents themselves, behaves and the energy they give you all are clues you can use to see what kind of topic you might talk about. Being mindful of (not over-thinking) these things can also provide immediate feedback about how the conversation is going.

And remember, the success and joy of a conversation depends on the energy both people put into it. Go easy on yourself, life is about progressive learning.

Sustaining the Banting Way of Eating

A Wholesome Approach to Banting

Prof. Tim Noakes' Banting lifestyle... controversial, out-of-the-box yet effective for many. How do you make it work?

For the last few months I have been following the Banting diet and joined online groups which aim to support fellow Banters. It's obvious there are many perceived challenges to adopting the Banting lifestyle, ranging from obtaining unfamiliar and expensive ingredients to breaking unhealthy eating patterns. Most of the comments and questions I have encountered online and in conversation are around the technical aspects of the high fat, medium protein and low carb way of eating. However I'm not going to go into the creating meal plans, finding the right products, how the Banting diet works or how to break through weight-loss plateaus here though. There is adequate information in Prof. Noakes' book "The Real Meal Revolution" and online resources for that. 

Instead, the focus here is on support for a potentially massive change in one's dietary lifestyle and what you can do to undertake a wholesome approach to change.

The Impact of Change

Let's face it, change can be overwhelming. It is a disruption to our routine, bops us from our comfort zone, it challenges our knowledge of the world and our psychological reference system. That's quite a lot to handle, especially when eating differently has an impact on our sense of being physically, emotionally and even influences our effectiveness in thinking! It comes as no surprise then that we naturally tend to cling (sometimes desperately) to what we know. Hell, it's gotten us this far, it must work! 

But it is precisely that combination of thinking, feeling and behaviour which slowly has us ending up unhappy or in danger of health problems. On the slippery slope of a lifestyle of unhealthy eating, many people are unaware of problematic behaviour until it is too late. The hard truth is, we rarely eat to sustain our bodies alone. It doesn't take much to see the marketing strategy of fast food outlets and chain restaurants is often aimed at satisfying desire more than health. That, combined with a widespread societal culture of instant gratification, the stress of meeting work deadlines and the demands of modern living, contributes to some grave health statistics. According to the World Health Organisation, in 2008 31.3% of South Africa's total population were deemed obese, with double the amount of women being affected compared to men.

Considering that close to 1 in 3 people struggle to manage their health and weight in South Africa, this is a very real problem.

Am I Secretly Resisting the Change I Say I Want?

Resisting change is normal and it can be a strength. Without a built-in resistance to any change, we may have no direction. But like many things, context it important. If we resist something that is actually good for us just because we are unfamiliar with it, we may need to review our thinking on that particular matter. 

Asking these questions may be useful in such cases

• Am I putting a lot of energy into seeing how much of my old/undesired behaviour I can fit into the new lifestyle?

If you're asking a lot of questions like "Is it OK to still eat this?" and "Am I still allowed that?" as opposed to questions about the 'rules' of the new eating lifestyle, you may indeed secretly be trying to support the old one. Ask questions about what the new lifestyle is about rather than ones about the old. Bringing about a paradigm shift happens by inquiring into the as-yet-unknown, instead of the known.

• Am I considering giving up due expecting this change to be easy?

When we change old behaviour, especially if it was satisfying a psychological need, there is likely to be a physical reaction to that change, perhaps even when just thinking about it. This is normal. Sometimes this reaction can be so strong that is scares us from pursuing or continuing with a new lifestyle. The course we take when we realise this is happening is probably the crux of this article.

Making it Happen

Whether you are in the planning phase of changing to the Banting way of eating, or have already started, keeping in mind your needs on the continuum of challenge and support is a useful way of inviting positive and even enjoyable change.

Knowing yourself, or using stories from your life as examples,inquire into the support and challenge you experienced as helpful to change. What was going on, who was there, what were they doing, how did you respond, what did you believe about yourself, others and the world that made this process so powerful? Applying these positive and energised influences to present situations can be a great help in achieving goals. If you notice that you need more support than challenge, put into action supportive things that got you places in the past. The same works for people who respond more powerfully to challenge. 

As a coach, I sometimes see how my clients try to follow the advice of friends or chat forums and find that it doesn't work for them. We all have different needs when it comes to wanting to behave differently. Asking support from friends who can support you even if you do things differently from them is valuable. Sometimes we can benefit from someone who is trained to see things objectively, to act as a sounding board, mirror, confidant and who can stretch our minds just the bit we need to overcome difficulties.

If you're looking to find the perfect balance of support and challenge for a lifestyle change, contact me here for Skype or face to face coaching.