Conflict: Getting Mad, Getting Even and a
Healthy Option…. Part 2
Let’s briefly review what I discussed in the last article on
conflict.
We all have beliefs about ourselves, others and how the
world is. Some of those beliefs we have accepted from our parents during our
upbringing and some are through lived experience. As we live, we reinforce
and/or update our beliefs. In doing this, we sometimes do not have all the
information at hand to make a realistic or relevant observation and thus are
born contaminated beliefs. For instance a 4 year old girl may believe, ”All
strangers are bad because the neighbour shouted at me”, though she may miss that
she was in danger of being bitten by the dog. These messages are received,
interpreted and stored by the subconscious mind. Like the submerged part of a
glacier, our subconscious impacts our perception and interaction with the world
without our direct awareness.
Our primary caregivers (parents most likely) have grown up
similarly so they may pass on useful (relevant and realistic) beliefs to us,
like the belief that the Earth is round, or “I can use thinking to solve
problems”, or “It is OK to feel sad/happy/angry”. They may also pass on not-useful
beliefs to us (irrelevant or unrealistic), for instance that the Sun revolves
around the Earth, or “Drinking alcohol is useful when dealing with stress
because that’s what mommy does” or that slavery is just. Our own lived
experience and our inherited beliefs serve as our reference for interacting
with the world. When we encounter someone who has different beliefs, we may
experience conflict. Often their beliefs threaten our worldview, our existence
as such, and we may feel we need to persecute these people.
In the first article
I left you with the invitation to observe your own beliefs and you may have
noticed some already. The invitation was to observe your beliefs and ensuing
dynamics with others without attributing judgement or meaning to these and it may
have taken some letting go to allow these realisations of self!
The eventual outcome of this practice is an aware experience
of life based upon realistic beliefs which are relevant to the situation in
each moment. This process of observation and gradual change is ongoing. So
where does one turn when one notices beliefs which may be unrealistic or
irrelevant? How do we change something which may be so fundamental to our
perceived being that we may in fact be partially blind to its ineptness? You
might imagine this as trying to pick yourself up by the shoelaces! Perhaps then
the shoelaces are not the place to start.
By noting the unhelpful, irrelevant or not-useful beliefs,
we have made the unconscious conscious. We afford ourselves more choice,
authentic power and enjoyed experience by unloading the massive iceberg of the
subconscious contaminated beliefs. We may work with a professional who can draw
curious attention to these contaminations in a safe and trusting space, we are
empowered to take control of our lives and free ourselves of suffering. Meditation
is another means of this practice.
There are many ways of going about this process and each has
its own merits. Professionals using an appreciative approach inspire one’s
creativity to imagine/create desired reality and then pay focused attention to
one’s being and beliefs in this new reality.
It is like stepping into new shoes more suitable for the
terrain!
A simple exercise you can do yourself is to recall two conflict
experiences, one which was well resolved and another which could have gone
better. Taking one scenario at a time, focus on the emotions, physical
experience and thoughts all going on in the encounter. What were you expecting
the outcome to be in each? What past experience justifies this expectation?
What physical phenomena and pattern of thoughts can serve as markers you are about
to go down a ‘one way street’ to unresolved conflict? What beliefs and
expectations were helpful in resolving conflict?
Fundamentally what you are doing is noting recurring
patterns of thinking, feeling and behaviour. Which ones are helpful and which
ones not? The trick is to notice each and reproduce the helpful ones. It may
take some time, but employing the helpful patterns in awareness when one
encounters conflict is a start to truly taking control of your life.
You are also welcome to visit www.lifecoachcapetown.com
or on
Google+ for more info on how coaching can help you.
