Is Your Coach Doing it Wrong?

Does Anyone Know What Coaching is?

Discussions on what coaching is and isn't most often turn into debates or have open endings; and those are just discussions between coaches!  In my experience, there are many people practising "coaching" who have no formal training, who assume that because they have extensive experience in a particular field they can practice as coaches there, who think that as psychotherapists they can "just" transition to coaching or as layperson feels that they are so caring and compassionate that when they talk to friends they are doing coaching. Some even attend a coaching course and attempt to manipulate and forge the skills and paradigms into their own methodology rather than internalise what is offered. 

There are many different coaching models, philosophies and methodologies and within each a coach may choose from a selection of tools that which is most suited to the client in a session or through the entire coaching work. At the end of the day effective coaching is being done when there is an inner shift within the client which is most often measurable by change in behaviour.
 

Measuring the effectiveness of coaching can be challenging. Coach and client behaviours are useful markers.

Where it Goes Wrong

'Jane Executive', not knowing well enough what coaching is herself, goes on to hire a coach and finds herself repeating the same behaviour which brought her to coaching in the first place. She does everything the coach tells her to but she continues to struggle without the coach's assistance (here's a clue to clients and coaches).

From the coach's perspective, her client seems unable to function autonomously. The client keeps bumping her head in similar scenarios and the coach hears the same modes of thinking and sets of beliefs which frame her client's behaviour (another clue).

What is the Problem?

Largely, we grow up and learn to function within a paradigm of being told and telling people what to do, respectively. When we comply we are rewarded, when we don't we are punished. This punishment may be overt, as in going to jail or it may be subtle, such as being given a disapproving look or a good shouting at or even not given any form of recognition at all. Psychologically these are powerful influences on what we choose to believe, how we think, feel and how we act this out with other people and the world. It is disruptive to our functioning when we are led to believe things which are not true; things about the world (eg "The financial world is dangerous"), about ourselves (eg "I can't be a manager/team leader") or others (eg "People who dress like X are better than me"). We are talking about fundamental beliefs here, those not founded on evidence or fitting to specific circumstances but rather beliefs held to be true regardless of observable reality. They can be called 'contaminated beliefs'. If we were completely conscious of these contaminations we would immediately identify irrelevant beliefs, ways of thinking and feeling which are not useful or relevant to the circumstances. We are however not fully conscious beings.

Here's the crunch, if we were to attempt to change these sub-conscious dynamics by following what others tell us to do, we would fail repeatedly. Firstly, we would be assuming another person's concept of reality. Their reality may not be relevant to us and their reality is likely to have it's own contaminations. Secondly when we comply with another's instructions, regardless of how kindly and gently they are offered, we would not be consciously choosing what is best for our unique inner being or environment. In addition, we may subconsciously sabotage the instructions and again not be aware of why we aren't progressing.

A coaching relationship in which the coach tells the client what to do, offers advice (even subtly) or gives their own opinions, does not serve the client in attaining the inner shifts required to sustain new, relevant and dynamic thinking, feeling and behaviour. Instead what is likely happening is referred to as a symbiotic relationship. It is psychologically symbiotic in that the coach has a compliant client and the client has someone to tell them what to do. The relationship is sustained by this dynamic and is resistant to change (within each party and the coaching relationship) because it relies on the command of the coach and the compliance of the client. The coach does the thinking, telling what and how to think and the client complies. It is merely a mirror of the relational dynamic we grow up with in most societies in the world. We can see it in highly hierarchical systems in which little change and creative thinking occurs because new generations are discouraged from doing so and simply copy previous generations thinking, feeling and behaviour. In South Africa we call this type of organisation a 'wors masjien' or a 'sausage factory'. Everything is based on routine, processes and regulation. Human creativity, energy and freedom are not harnessed. When a coach tells his or her clients what to do and gives them advice, they are merely supporting the dynamic which the client is aiming to escape from. When a client's unhealthy dynamic continues, it is almost certain that the practitioner is supporting it. 

As coaches, our job is to develop new and uncontaminated thinking in our clients so they may reach the goals they set for themselves. That may involve exploring, validating and letting go of antiquated thinking and beliefs.

Regardless of the application or context, coaching is not being done if the coach tells or hints at the client what to do. 

You will know you are being coached if your coach helps you explore your thinking, feeling or behaviour without agenda. 


Through a process of validation, challenge and support you will experience an inner shift which will manifest in a change in your actions. The process is holistic in that the change occurs internally and externally.

This is the difference between skills-transfer/development and relational dynamics development/inner transformation/personal growth (which is what true coaching is). 

What Do We Do About It?

As clients, we bring the observation or feeling to mutual awareness by talking about it with the coach. 

As coaches, we bring the dynamic to supervision and then introduce changes to our practice with the client.

We might imagine the symbiotic dynamic as a fishing line with a hook on both ends. Each party to the relationship takes their hook and respective role. When one hook is let go, the other party may attempt to maintain the connection by inviting the other to retake their role. Learning what other options exist and putting those into practice are part and parcel of the coaching work for both coach and client.

How to Fail with Criticism and Win with Feedback

The Scenario

You're a senior manager at a company and you've recently taken on a new supervisor, Sally. Sally has given two equally competent staff similar tasks, a deadline and some guidelines to assist. The staff, Christine and Fiona, are both experienced in their jobs and during the course of their work, they diligently check in with Sally to keep on track and appropriately ask for assistance. 

Hypothetically let's suppose supervisor Sally takes a different approach with each staff member. 

Criticism

With Christine, Sally says things like "I don't like what you've done with this", "You could do better here" and sometimes even "I like this". Christine is polite, nods and with a seemingly confident "OK thanks!" returns to her office. She carries on with her work and seems at a glance to be stuck in thought over her work much of the time. You notice that she returns more often to Sally's office than Fiona does. Every time, Sally points out what she does and doesn't like about Christine's work, regarding both what she's done and how she's done it. Christine tries her utmost to deliver something favourable but is getting more and more confused about what that actually is. Eventually she ends up detesting Sally or they have an unpleasant confrontation which sets up other inharmonious dynamics with the rest of the staff. The quality of Christine's work is poor, the relationship between her, her colleagues and Sally is tarnished and you are faced with another workplace drama which you don't have time or energy for.

For the sake of comparison, Sally works differently with Fiona. She's started by asking Fiona what she needs from her as a supervisor. "What's the best way for me to support your work?" she asks at Fiona's 'getting to know each other interview'. "What will I be doing when you are performing at your best?", "When you need assistance, how will you let me know that and what will I do to give you autonomy and constructive input?". Fiona is surprised at these questions and immediately her cogs are turning. She's energised by recalling her own best moments of performing and is simultaneously invited to talk about mutual responsibility, explicitly. Sally and Fiona are doing healthy contracting. They discover more about the administrative and professional aspects of their working relationship and perhaps even more importantly they set the tone for their psychological relationship. This is how they will maintain a healthy and energised working relationship.

Feedback

Like Christine, Fiona brings her work to supervisor Sally periodically and asks for input and assistance. Sally refers to the brief when assessing Fiona's work. She's ensured that the brief covers measurable output and objectives. She lets Fiona know that she likes what she's doing but more importantly makes sure to add the value she sees in the work. She always says why she likes what she does. Sally looks for the desired aspects of Fiona's work, using the brief as a benchmark. Fiona gains insight into what the desirable outcomes are and what she's doing to deliver them. She understands what her supervisor is looking for and is able to reproduce that time and time again.
When Sally sees something she doesn't like or which doesn't fit the brief, she asks what Fiona's thinking was behind that particular aspect. She is curious, not critical. She asks Fiona to juxtapose the work against the brief and make her own mind up. She relates to Fiona in-line with their initial agreement of how they would be with each other, in so doing honouring the psychological relationship and respecting her staff. She believes in her subordinate's potential and maintains an I'm OK/You're OK relationship. This philosophy enables her to give feedback in an Adult to Adult fashion, rather than delivering criticism as a Controlling/Critical Parent would to a Child. 

Why Feedback is a Win-Win Methodology

When we are treated psychologically as Adult (receiving evidence-based and contract-referenced feedback), we are enabled to deliver a sustainable output and are empowered to make decisions on our own- to work in autonomy under the leadership of another. When we are psychologically treated as Child (criticism) there are two likely reactions; we surrender the decision-making power to the other or we rebel against them. These reactions are in reality, disempowering to both the supervisor and the subordinate because neither of them are taking adequate responsibility for their own tasks. The supervisor inappropriately assumes some/all of the responsibility for the subordinate's tasks and the subordinate relinquishes some/all of their own responsibility. The ensuing relationship is likely to continue in this mode until adequate responsibility is given and assumed by the supervisor and subordinate respectively.

The Reality

Due to our unique human psyche, we all experience degrees of conflict with responsibility being the underlying theme, whether it's in professional or personal relationships. This manifests in many different ways, just one of which is illustrated above. If you haven't encountered conflict in a professional or personal relationship yet, enjoy it while it lasts and pay attention to what's making it work so well.


If we are to have productive relationships in our personal and professional lives, an alertness or awareness for when our natural 'gremlins' attempt to take over the show is invaluable. Acknowledging that there are issues, explicitly raising awareness to the impending or ongoing dynamic and being brave enough to engage in Adult to Adult conversation about a productive and desired future are valuable steps to getting relationships back on track.

This involves "unlearning" certain modes of thinking, feeling and behaviour; developing better-serving ones, experimenting with these and founding new ways of engaging with others, the world and naturally... ourselves.

How To Do "Small Talk" with Strangers

Different Strokes

People learn and approach situations differently. Some people like to jump straight in and just do things by gut feel, others spend some more time thinking about the task or activity they’re about to do. Sometimes that energy spent on thinking can get in the way of social engagements which are more enjoyable if they have a natural flow.  “Gut-feel people” are guided more by their intuition and the energy they receive as feedback to their behaviour. “Thinkers” sometimes get a little stuck and break the flow that would make mingling with others seem so natural.

However “thinkers” can use balanced and appropriate thinking to their advantage and “gut-feel” people could use some basic concepts to enhance communication and social engagement.

Time Structuring

The psychiatrist Eric Berne gave structure to the time we spend according to his theory of Transactional Analysis. There are six ways we spend time: 

• Withdrawal- the time a person spends on their own without contact with others. This may be intentional lack of engagement with others which each party feels OK with, or lack of contact due to lack of trust or shyness (as examples where one or both parties do not feel OK).

• Rituals- a familiar social interaction which involves gestures and speech particular to culture and language as if rehearsed. Eg. Shaking hands, exchange of “Hello, how are you?” etc. Matching the ritual particular to the other person is important in building rapport and trust and serves as a gateway to less rehearsed ways of spending time with the other.

• Pastimes- eg.  Talking about weather, sport and interests. People talk about something without actually engaging in action on the topic. This is a safe way for people to exchange light strokes (Transactional Analysis concept) and is a stepping-stone to deeper level interaction.

• Activities- people can engage in activity alone or with someone else. This is another structure in which people exchange strokes.

• Games- psychological games are all played out without awareness. They are not necessarily viewed as helpful in conventional interaction. Game-playing takes place when these destructive/unhelpful patterns of behaviour go on repeatedly and without being addressed. Indications a game is being played is when one/both parties are feeling not OK with themselves or the other.

• Intimacy- when people share authentic feelings without censorship, they are engaged in intimacy. These can be “positive” or “negative” feelings.

So "Pastimes" is another word for small-talk. Some examples of questions you might ask to stimulate small-talk are “So what are your interests?”, “What are you looking forward to most this year?”, “What was the highlight of your week?” and so on. Think of your own ones too. 

Doing It

Looking at how your conversation partner dresses, presents themselves, behaves and the energy they give you all are clues you can use to see what kind of topic you might talk about. Being mindful of (not over-thinking) these things can also provide immediate feedback about how the conversation is going.

And remember, the success and joy of a conversation depends on the energy both people put into it. Go easy on yourself, life is about progressive learning.

Sustaining the Banting Way of Eating

A Wholesome Approach to Banting

Prof. Tim Noakes' Banting lifestyle... controversial, out-of-the-box yet effective for many. How do you make it work?

For the last few months I have been following the Banting diet and joined online groups which aim to support fellow Banters. It's obvious there are many perceived challenges to adopting the Banting lifestyle, ranging from obtaining unfamiliar and expensive ingredients to breaking unhealthy eating patterns. Most of the comments and questions I have encountered online and in conversation are around the technical aspects of the high fat, medium protein and low carb way of eating. However I'm not going to go into the creating meal plans, finding the right products, how the Banting diet works or how to break through weight-loss plateaus here though. There is adequate information in Prof. Noakes' book "The Real Meal Revolution" and online resources for that. 

Instead, the focus here is on support for a potentially massive change in one's dietary lifestyle and what you can do to undertake a wholesome approach to change.

The Impact of Change

Let's face it, change can be overwhelming. It is a disruption to our routine, bops us from our comfort zone, it challenges our knowledge of the world and our psychological reference system. That's quite a lot to handle, especially when eating differently has an impact on our sense of being physically, emotionally and even influences our effectiveness in thinking! It comes as no surprise then that we naturally tend to cling (sometimes desperately) to what we know. Hell, it's gotten us this far, it must work! 

But it is precisely that combination of thinking, feeling and behaviour which slowly has us ending up unhappy or in danger of health problems. On the slippery slope of a lifestyle of unhealthy eating, many people are unaware of problematic behaviour until it is too late. The hard truth is, we rarely eat to sustain our bodies alone. It doesn't take much to see the marketing strategy of fast food outlets and chain restaurants is often aimed at satisfying desire more than health. That, combined with a widespread societal culture of instant gratification, the stress of meeting work deadlines and the demands of modern living, contributes to some grave health statistics. According to the World Health Organisation, in 2008 31.3% of South Africa's total population were deemed obese, with double the amount of women being affected compared to men.

Considering that close to 1 in 3 people struggle to manage their health and weight in South Africa, this is a very real problem.

Am I Secretly Resisting the Change I Say I Want?

Resisting change is normal and it can be a strength. Without a built-in resistance to any change, we may have no direction. But like many things, context it important. If we resist something that is actually good for us just because we are unfamiliar with it, we may need to review our thinking on that particular matter. 

Asking these questions may be useful in such cases

• Am I putting a lot of energy into seeing how much of my old/undesired behaviour I can fit into the new lifestyle?

If you're asking a lot of questions like "Is it OK to still eat this?" and "Am I still allowed that?" as opposed to questions about the 'rules' of the new eating lifestyle, you may indeed secretly be trying to support the old one. Ask questions about what the new lifestyle is about rather than ones about the old. Bringing about a paradigm shift happens by inquiring into the as-yet-unknown, instead of the known.

• Am I considering giving up due expecting this change to be easy?

When we change old behaviour, especially if it was satisfying a psychological need, there is likely to be a physical reaction to that change, perhaps even when just thinking about it. This is normal. Sometimes this reaction can be so strong that is scares us from pursuing or continuing with a new lifestyle. The course we take when we realise this is happening is probably the crux of this article.

Making it Happen

Whether you are in the planning phase of changing to the Banting way of eating, or have already started, keeping in mind your needs on the continuum of challenge and support is a useful way of inviting positive and even enjoyable change.

Knowing yourself, or using stories from your life as examples,inquire into the support and challenge you experienced as helpful to change. What was going on, who was there, what were they doing, how did you respond, what did you believe about yourself, others and the world that made this process so powerful? Applying these positive and energised influences to present situations can be a great help in achieving goals. If you notice that you need more support than challenge, put into action supportive things that got you places in the past. The same works for people who respond more powerfully to challenge. 

As a coach, I sometimes see how my clients try to follow the advice of friends or chat forums and find that it doesn't work for them. We all have different needs when it comes to wanting to behave differently. Asking support from friends who can support you even if you do things differently from them is valuable. Sometimes we can benefit from someone who is trained to see things objectively, to act as a sounding board, mirror, confidant and who can stretch our minds just the bit we need to overcome difficulties.

If you're looking to find the perfect balance of support and challenge for a lifestyle change, contact me here for Skype or face to face coaching.