Does Anyone Know What Coaching is?
Discussions on what coaching is and isn't most often turn into debates or have open endings; and those are just discussions between coaches! In my experience, there are many people practising "coaching" who have no formal training, who assume that because they have extensive experience in a particular field they can practice as coaches there, who think that as psychotherapists they can "just" transition to coaching or as layperson feels that they are so caring and compassionate that when they talk to friends they are doing coaching. Some even attend a coaching course and attempt to manipulate and forge the skills and paradigms into their own methodology rather than internalise what is offered.
There are many different coaching models, philosophies and methodologies and within each a coach may choose from a selection of tools that which is most suited to the client in a session or through the entire coaching work. At the end of the day effective coaching is being done when there is an inner shift within the client which is most often measurable by change in behaviour.
From the coach's perspective, her client seems unable to function autonomously. The client keeps bumping her head in similar scenarios and the coach hears the same modes of thinking and sets of beliefs which frame her client's behaviour (another clue).
Largely, we grow up and learn to function within a paradigm of being told and telling people what to do, respectively. When we comply we are rewarded, when we don't we are punished. This punishment may be overt, as in going to jail or it may be subtle, such as being given a disapproving look or a good shouting at or even not given any form of recognition at all. Psychologically these are powerful influences on what we choose to believe, how we think, feel and how we act this out with other people and the world. It is disruptive to our functioning when we are led to believe things which are not true; things about the world (eg "The financial world is dangerous"), about ourselves (eg "I can't be a manager/team leader") or others (eg "People who dress like X are better than me"). We are talking about fundamental beliefs here, those not founded on evidence or fitting to specific circumstances but rather beliefs held to be true regardless of observable reality. They can be called 'contaminated beliefs'. If we were completely conscious of these contaminations we would immediately identify irrelevant beliefs, ways of thinking and feeling which are not useful or relevant to the circumstances. We are however not fully conscious beings.
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| Measuring the effectiveness of coaching can be challenging. Coach and client behaviours are useful markers. |
Where it Goes Wrong
'Jane Executive', not knowing well enough what coaching is herself, goes on to hire a coach and finds herself repeating the same behaviour which brought her to coaching in the first place. She does everything the coach tells her to but she continues to struggle without the coach's assistance (here's a clue to clients and coaches).From the coach's perspective, her client seems unable to function autonomously. The client keeps bumping her head in similar scenarios and the coach hears the same modes of thinking and sets of beliefs which frame her client's behaviour (another clue).
What is the Problem?
Largely, we grow up and learn to function within a paradigm of being told and telling people what to do, respectively. When we comply we are rewarded, when we don't we are punished. This punishment may be overt, as in going to jail or it may be subtle, such as being given a disapproving look or a good shouting at or even not given any form of recognition at all. Psychologically these are powerful influences on what we choose to believe, how we think, feel and how we act this out with other people and the world. It is disruptive to our functioning when we are led to believe things which are not true; things about the world (eg "The financial world is dangerous"), about ourselves (eg "I can't be a manager/team leader") or others (eg "People who dress like X are better than me"). We are talking about fundamental beliefs here, those not founded on evidence or fitting to specific circumstances but rather beliefs held to be true regardless of observable reality. They can be called 'contaminated beliefs'. If we were completely conscious of these contaminations we would immediately identify irrelevant beliefs, ways of thinking and feeling which are not useful or relevant to the circumstances. We are however not fully conscious beings.
Here's the crunch, if we were to attempt to change these sub-conscious dynamics by following what others tell us to do, we would fail repeatedly. Firstly, we would be assuming another person's concept of reality. Their reality may not be relevant to us and their reality is likely to have it's own contaminations. Secondly when we comply with another's instructions, regardless of how kindly and gently they are offered, we would not be consciously choosing what is best for our unique inner being or environment. In addition, we may subconsciously sabotage the instructions and again not be aware of why we aren't progressing.
A coaching relationship in which the coach tells the client what to do, offers advice (even subtly) or gives their own opinions, does not serve the client in attaining the inner shifts required to sustain new, relevant and dynamic thinking, feeling and behaviour. Instead what is likely happening is referred to as a symbiotic relationship. It is psychologically symbiotic in that the coach has a compliant client and the client has someone to tell them what to do. The relationship is sustained by this dynamic and is resistant to change (within each party and the coaching relationship) because it relies on the command of the coach and the compliance of the client. The coach does the thinking, telling what and how to think and the client complies. It is merely a mirror of the relational dynamic we grow up with in most societies in the world. We can see it in highly hierarchical systems in which little change and creative thinking occurs because new generations are discouraged from doing so and simply copy previous generations thinking, feeling and behaviour. In South Africa we call this type of organisation a 'wors masjien' or a 'sausage factory'. Everything is based on routine, processes and regulation. Human creativity, energy and freedom are not harnessed. When a coach tells his or her clients what to do and gives them advice, they are merely supporting the dynamic which the client is aiming to escape from. When a client's unhealthy dynamic continues, it is almost certain that the practitioner is supporting it.
Regardless of the application or context, coaching is not being done if the coach tells or hints at the client what to do.
You will know you are being coached if your coach helps you explore your thinking, feeling or behaviour without agenda.
Through a process of validation, challenge and support you will experience an inner shift which will manifest in a change in your actions. The process is holistic in that the change occurs internally and externally.
This is the difference between skills-transfer/development and relational dynamics development/inner transformation/personal growth (which is what true coaching is).
What Do We Do About It?
As clients, we bring the observation or feeling to mutual awareness by talking about it with the coach.As coaches, we bring the dynamic to supervision and then introduce changes to our practice with the client.
We might imagine the symbiotic dynamic as a fishing line with a hook on both ends. Each party to the relationship takes their hook and respective role. When one hook is let go, the other party may attempt to maintain the connection by inviting the other to retake their role. Learning what other options exist and putting those into practice are part and parcel of the coaching work for both coach and client.
