What Our Clients are Really Telling Us (Method 1)

A summary of this article can be found at the end, if you find yourself pressed for time :) 

Parts of a Whole 

As a coach supervisor and coach, I am aware that I do not only engage with my clients cognitively. It is my job to engage my client as a whole person, with their permission. If the valuable work only happened at the cognitive level, there would be little use for helping professionals, people would solve their problems as soon as they thought about doing so. 

We are useful to our clients because something within them can override their own cognitive abilities. This “something” may take many forms and this something is difficult to observe in oneself. It may be what or how the client is thinking, it may be what lies below the thinking, the sub-conscious. Clients can also get in the way of themselves when thinking is their only space for problem solving and being. Part of being a whole person is the capacity to experience the emotional and physical self and to use this as a tool for problem solving. A powerful means of connecting to other people, animals and the world is through emotional experience. When feeling is entirely or partly excluded from experience, a person will be limited in how they relate to themselves, others and the world. 

Feeling is a magnificent phenomenon and one which can be employed skilfully by the practitioner too! In addition to allowing a complete experience of self, our own feelings can give us a lot of information about what another is experiencing. In practice, paying attention to what our own gut is telling us can give important clues to the client’s inner experience. 

The Nature of Relationship 

Using Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle (Fig 1) as a reference model, one can see that when the practitioner experiences feelings of wanting to Rescue their client for example, it is possible the client has invited this by assuming the psychological role of Victim. This would be conveyed explicitly (on a social level/in the client’s words) or implicitly (on a psychological level/evoking feelings in the practitioner). When these engagements happen between positions of Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim, they are inauthentic, manipulative and disempowering of both parties. These messages are communicated between individuals by means of what Transactional Analysis calls transactions. 

However, being mindful of their own feelings the skilled practitioner may choose to respond to the client in a way which positively complements the inauthentic invitation with one which is truly valuable, in this instance showing authentic care by having a conversation around the practitioner’s and client’s responsibilities within the coaching space as well as regarding the client’s life circumstances. As this is an authentic and empowering response, it is not referenced in the paradigm of the Drama Triangle. Instead we use another model/paradigm to illustrate the transaction not coming from the Rescuer position, but a position of Caring and responsibility as in Acey Choy’s Winner’s Triangle (Fig 2). In this case, from a position of vulnerability, the client can own their experience (without expecting or manipulating a rescue from the practitioner) and design ways of accepting and taking responsibility for themselves. 

This is one way a coaching or supervising practitioner reads between the lines to figure out their client’s authentic need and then responds as such. It may take some time for a client to respond positively to the practitioner’s authentic engagement and it may even happen that the client does not respond authentically, perhaps preventing any progress at this point. When a stickiness or impasse is noticed between practitioner and client, it is useful to seek resolution to these issues in supervision.

In summary:

• Client and practitioner engage with each other explicitly (social level transactions) and implicitly (psychological level transactions)
• It is useful for the practitioner to be mindful of their own experience, as a potential indicator of the client’s experience and the relational dynamic in the session
• The dynamic between client and practitioner in the session often mirrors the dynamic between client and others in their lives (the problem they bring to coaching/supervision)
• The practitioner’s authentic and empowering response in the session invites resolution to the client’s dilemma and models to them how to resolve the same dynamic in their personal/professional lives

Remember, as coaches or supervisors our job is not to provide answers to our client’s problems because we know everything. In a coaching and supervision space we do not train our clients. We are just as human as they are. However, it is our skill in self-awareness, inter-subjectivity and mindfulness of human experience that is itself a vehicle for resolving client issues. 

We use our humanness to transform humanness.

Coaching with Integrity

As a coach and coach supervisor, I sell neither my knowledge, expertise, technical skill nor my opinion directly. When I am most potent as a practitioner, I am employing and selling the integration of all my learning, I am the instrument of the service I provide. Therefore, as an instrument of personal and organisational change, I feel that my integrity and professional efficacy is most valuably measured by the degree to which I take ownership of the principles and philosophies I trust will bring about transformation for my clients. In other words, do I talk the talk and walk the walk? Are my professional and personal conduct in tune?

An illustrative scenario is one in which a coach deals with conflict. Does the coach employ their experience, wisdom, theoretical knowledge and personal integration of these spontaneously in dealing with conflict? If not, how can the coach ensure that they are coaching healthily regarding issues around conflict with their clients? 

"How we work is who we are...and who we are is how we work"

Diana Shmukler, 2010

When we notice that our personal thinking, feeling and behaviour stands in contrast to the principles of our professional/coaching self, we can be sure that the not-so-helpful personal aspects will filter into the work we do with our clients, probably without our being consciously aware of it. Noticing that we have personal points for growth which affect our professional conduct is liberating and empowering! Awareness is the gateway to change.

Another measure of our personal 'stuff' getting in the way of our coaching effectiveness with clients, is a 'stuckness' in the relationship with our clients or a lack of significant movement towards the client's goals. Simply put, if we are not empowering our clients' progress, we may be hindering it by lack of action or lack of appropriate action.

A concept and solution to this which I resonate with is called Continuing Professional Development (CPD). Various professional coaching bodies each have their own structure for CPD and what qualifies for it. I appreciate that there are CPD activities appealing to people's varied learning preferences and professional spheres and that the structure of CPD encourages a healthy balance of each type. For instance amongst others, one may gain recognition for having conducted research, attended certain events or courses.

I would like to draw attention to the use of coaching supervision as a channel for CPD and the reasons why I believe it to be one of, if not the most powerful one.

In a nutshell, supervision equips us with new theoretical knowledge as well as new experiential knowledge. Take a look at David Kolb's Experiential Learning Cycle below to see how this happens.

When we bring something we have experienced (Concrete Experience) in our practice to supervision, we are able to make sense of it from both within and outside of a subjective frame of reference. This is helpful in that we can learn to recognise (Reflective Observation) those bits of ourselves which get entangled with our clients' 'stuff', as well as understand (Abstract Conceptualisation) the why and how of that happening. This learning gives us the power to make difference choices (Active Experimentation) in how we approach and respond in the moment to our clients. A supervisor can be trusted to walk this journey with us, providing structure, support, challenge, protection and growth. When we get stuck with our own 'stuff', the supervisor's role becomes crucial in that they encourage us to think in the present, relying on facts relevant to the situation now rather than outdated thinking which may hold us and our clients back.

In addition to providing this platform and process for growth, skilled supervisors will engage in 'double loop learning' with coaches which inherently models that which will nurture growth within the coach and the coach's client.

Supervision is a growth process, not a critical process. The safe space it provides can be used to manage, support and develop both coaches and their clients. Ultimately supervision enhances our effectiveness by providing a process of growth towards integrity and healthy practice.

Coach Supervision Won't Teach You Anything

"What a pity the word 'supervision' is used to name our practice!" I've heard it said in so many conversations on the subject. Supervisors seem to have the common challenges of inviting (some reluctant) coaches to the process. If that is successful, then concertedly working with the relational dynamic resulting from coach expectations of being scrutinised, criticised or taught how to coach and run their practice.

Supervise | verb |  

observe and direct the execution of a task or activity 

(from the Oxford Dictionary of English)

Perhaps these inaccurate expectations are hand-downs from a belief-association with supervision's roots in clinical supervision, or our societal experiences of supervision. My own guess is that some coaches who have not yet had supervision subconsciously associate it with their experiences at school of being taught (sometimes harshly) technical skills and theoretical knowledge, largely in the cognitive domain. Those au fait with the practice thus contend from the outset with some erroneous perceptions of their process. Coaches in fact are likely to encounter this with their own clients, depending on the nature of the envisaged outcomes and the modality they employ in reaching these. It is a familiar dynamic. It can take some time to get into the groove before effective work is happening.

 

I am not daring enough to suggest an alternative name for supervision here, in fact I doubt whether it is worth doing that in any case, it is probably too late to call supervision by any other name. What I do suggest however is a collective intention to provide relevant information and more significantly the experience of supervision, in a strategy to make it attractive, efficient, valuable and part-and-parcel of wholesome coaching (and supervision!) practice.

I love the word 'wholesome' because it encompasses the multidimensional impact supervision has. Arguably, supervision's most important role is in protecting the end client, the person who comes to coaching. In addition to this crucial aspect, supervision enhances the client's experience by inviting the coach to explore their practice in a safe and learning-focused environment. How does my personal stuff impact my professional practice? How do I deal with stuckness in the coaching relationship? How do I deal with this ethical dilemma? How do I respond to having messed up? How might I be keeping my client stuck? How do I respond to the challenges which my client's environment brings to our coaching? What do the patterns in my coaching-client relationships mean?

 

In practice, supervisees use a snapshot of their coaching experience to explore some of these questions. As you will know from coaching, that which the client consciously brings to the work, often has its unseen underlying causes. 

Supervisors are attuned to listen to the story and note in parallel what the relational dynamic is between themselves and their supervision client, thus gaining insight into what that client is not yet seeing for themselves. Using these observations then, both parties are equipped with more information upon which to create options for resolution of the supervision client's challenge. This is no doubt not the length and breadth of supervision but it is one of the most profound processes I have experienced with my own supervisor and which I practice with my own supervision clients.

You will have gathered now, that the supervisor employs and shares their own experience of the relationship with their client in the session, in order for both to become aware of the as-yet-unseen factors currently impacting the coaching practice. 

The relationship is equal and shared; the supervisor acting as a lightning rod for that which is implicitly asking to be learned from and metamorphosed, the client also serving as a responsive and growing conduit of information from their psyche and their own client's environment. 

Supervision is a relationship in which both parties transform and are transformed. The engagement employs and nurtures self-reflection, growth, learning and realisation. 

Coach supervision will not teach you anything, but in it you will learn everything; about yourself, your practice and your client relationships.

Is Your Coach Doing it Wrong?

Does Anyone Know What Coaching is?

Discussions on what coaching is and isn't most often turn into debates or have open endings; and those are just discussions between coaches!  In my experience, there are many people practising "coaching" who have no formal training, who assume that because they have extensive experience in a particular field they can practice as coaches there, who think that as psychotherapists they can "just" transition to coaching or as layperson feels that they are so caring and compassionate that when they talk to friends they are doing coaching. Some even attend a coaching course and attempt to manipulate and forge the skills and paradigms into their own methodology rather than internalise what is offered. 

There are many different coaching models, philosophies and methodologies and within each a coach may choose from a selection of tools that which is most suited to the client in a session or through the entire coaching work. At the end of the day effective coaching is being done when there is an inner shift within the client which is most often measurable by change in behaviour.
 

Measuring the effectiveness of coaching can be challenging. Coach and client behaviours are useful markers.

Where it Goes Wrong

'Jane Executive', not knowing well enough what coaching is herself, goes on to hire a coach and finds herself repeating the same behaviour which brought her to coaching in the first place. She does everything the coach tells her to but she continues to struggle without the coach's assistance (here's a clue to clients and coaches).

From the coach's perspective, her client seems unable to function autonomously. The client keeps bumping her head in similar scenarios and the coach hears the same modes of thinking and sets of beliefs which frame her client's behaviour (another clue).

What is the Problem?

Largely, we grow up and learn to function within a paradigm of being told and telling people what to do, respectively. When we comply we are rewarded, when we don't we are punished. This punishment may be overt, as in going to jail or it may be subtle, such as being given a disapproving look or a good shouting at or even not given any form of recognition at all. Psychologically these are powerful influences on what we choose to believe, how we think, feel and how we act this out with other people and the world. It is disruptive to our functioning when we are led to believe things which are not true; things about the world (eg "The financial world is dangerous"), about ourselves (eg "I can't be a manager/team leader") or others (eg "People who dress like X are better than me"). We are talking about fundamental beliefs here, those not founded on evidence or fitting to specific circumstances but rather beliefs held to be true regardless of observable reality. They can be called 'contaminated beliefs'. If we were completely conscious of these contaminations we would immediately identify irrelevant beliefs, ways of thinking and feeling which are not useful or relevant to the circumstances. We are however not fully conscious beings.

Here's the crunch, if we were to attempt to change these sub-conscious dynamics by following what others tell us to do, we would fail repeatedly. Firstly, we would be assuming another person's concept of reality. Their reality may not be relevant to us and their reality is likely to have it's own contaminations. Secondly when we comply with another's instructions, regardless of how kindly and gently they are offered, we would not be consciously choosing what is best for our unique inner being or environment. In addition, we may subconsciously sabotage the instructions and again not be aware of why we aren't progressing.

A coaching relationship in which the coach tells the client what to do, offers advice (even subtly) or gives their own opinions, does not serve the client in attaining the inner shifts required to sustain new, relevant and dynamic thinking, feeling and behaviour. Instead what is likely happening is referred to as a symbiotic relationship. It is psychologically symbiotic in that the coach has a compliant client and the client has someone to tell them what to do. The relationship is sustained by this dynamic and is resistant to change (within each party and the coaching relationship) because it relies on the command of the coach and the compliance of the client. The coach does the thinking, telling what and how to think and the client complies. It is merely a mirror of the relational dynamic we grow up with in most societies in the world. We can see it in highly hierarchical systems in which little change and creative thinking occurs because new generations are discouraged from doing so and simply copy previous generations thinking, feeling and behaviour. In South Africa we call this type of organisation a 'wors masjien' or a 'sausage factory'. Everything is based on routine, processes and regulation. Human creativity, energy and freedom are not harnessed. When a coach tells his or her clients what to do and gives them advice, they are merely supporting the dynamic which the client is aiming to escape from. When a client's unhealthy dynamic continues, it is almost certain that the practitioner is supporting it. 

As coaches, our job is to develop new and uncontaminated thinking in our clients so they may reach the goals they set for themselves. That may involve exploring, validating and letting go of antiquated thinking and beliefs.

Regardless of the application or context, coaching is not being done if the coach tells or hints at the client what to do. 

You will know you are being coached if your coach helps you explore your thinking, feeling or behaviour without agenda. 


Through a process of validation, challenge and support you will experience an inner shift which will manifest in a change in your actions. The process is holistic in that the change occurs internally and externally.

This is the difference between skills-transfer/development and relational dynamics development/inner transformation/personal growth (which is what true coaching is). 

What Do We Do About It?

As clients, we bring the observation or feeling to mutual awareness by talking about it with the coach. 

As coaches, we bring the dynamic to supervision and then introduce changes to our practice with the client.

We might imagine the symbiotic dynamic as a fishing line with a hook on both ends. Each party to the relationship takes their hook and respective role. When one hook is let go, the other party may attempt to maintain the connection by inviting the other to retake their role. Learning what other options exist and putting those into practice are part and parcel of the coaching work for both coach and client.

How to Fail with Criticism and Win with Feedback

The Scenario

You're a senior manager at a company and you've recently taken on a new supervisor, Sally. Sally has given two equally competent staff similar tasks, a deadline and some guidelines to assist. The staff, Christine and Fiona, are both experienced in their jobs and during the course of their work, they diligently check in with Sally to keep on track and appropriately ask for assistance. 

Hypothetically let's suppose supervisor Sally takes a different approach with each staff member. 

Criticism

With Christine, Sally says things like "I don't like what you've done with this", "You could do better here" and sometimes even "I like this". Christine is polite, nods and with a seemingly confident "OK thanks!" returns to her office. She carries on with her work and seems at a glance to be stuck in thought over her work much of the time. You notice that she returns more often to Sally's office than Fiona does. Every time, Sally points out what she does and doesn't like about Christine's work, regarding both what she's done and how she's done it. Christine tries her utmost to deliver something favourable but is getting more and more confused about what that actually is. Eventually she ends up detesting Sally or they have an unpleasant confrontation which sets up other inharmonious dynamics with the rest of the staff. The quality of Christine's work is poor, the relationship between her, her colleagues and Sally is tarnished and you are faced with another workplace drama which you don't have time or energy for.

For the sake of comparison, Sally works differently with Fiona. She's started by asking Fiona what she needs from her as a supervisor. "What's the best way for me to support your work?" she asks at Fiona's 'getting to know each other interview'. "What will I be doing when you are performing at your best?", "When you need assistance, how will you let me know that and what will I do to give you autonomy and constructive input?". Fiona is surprised at these questions and immediately her cogs are turning. She's energised by recalling her own best moments of performing and is simultaneously invited to talk about mutual responsibility, explicitly. Sally and Fiona are doing healthy contracting. They discover more about the administrative and professional aspects of their working relationship and perhaps even more importantly they set the tone for their psychological relationship. This is how they will maintain a healthy and energised working relationship.

Feedback

Like Christine, Fiona brings her work to supervisor Sally periodically and asks for input and assistance. Sally refers to the brief when assessing Fiona's work. She's ensured that the brief covers measurable output and objectives. She lets Fiona know that she likes what she's doing but more importantly makes sure to add the value she sees in the work. She always says why she likes what she does. Sally looks for the desired aspects of Fiona's work, using the brief as a benchmark. Fiona gains insight into what the desirable outcomes are and what she's doing to deliver them. She understands what her supervisor is looking for and is able to reproduce that time and time again.
When Sally sees something she doesn't like or which doesn't fit the brief, she asks what Fiona's thinking was behind that particular aspect. She is curious, not critical. She asks Fiona to juxtapose the work against the brief and make her own mind up. She relates to Fiona in-line with their initial agreement of how they would be with each other, in so doing honouring the psychological relationship and respecting her staff. She believes in her subordinate's potential and maintains an I'm OK/You're OK relationship. This philosophy enables her to give feedback in an Adult to Adult fashion, rather than delivering criticism as a Controlling/Critical Parent would to a Child. 

Why Feedback is a Win-Win Methodology

When we are treated psychologically as Adult (receiving evidence-based and contract-referenced feedback), we are enabled to deliver a sustainable output and are empowered to make decisions on our own- to work in autonomy under the leadership of another. When we are psychologically treated as Child (criticism) there are two likely reactions; we surrender the decision-making power to the other or we rebel against them. These reactions are in reality, disempowering to both the supervisor and the subordinate because neither of them are taking adequate responsibility for their own tasks. The supervisor inappropriately assumes some/all of the responsibility for the subordinate's tasks and the subordinate relinquishes some/all of their own responsibility. The ensuing relationship is likely to continue in this mode until adequate responsibility is given and assumed by the supervisor and subordinate respectively.

The Reality

Due to our unique human psyche, we all experience degrees of conflict with responsibility being the underlying theme, whether it's in professional or personal relationships. This manifests in many different ways, just one of which is illustrated above. If you haven't encountered conflict in a professional or personal relationship yet, enjoy it while it lasts and pay attention to what's making it work so well.


If we are to have productive relationships in our personal and professional lives, an alertness or awareness for when our natural 'gremlins' attempt to take over the show is invaluable. Acknowledging that there are issues, explicitly raising awareness to the impending or ongoing dynamic and being brave enough to engage in Adult to Adult conversation about a productive and desired future are valuable steps to getting relationships back on track.

This involves "unlearning" certain modes of thinking, feeling and behaviour; developing better-serving ones, experimenting with these and founding new ways of engaging with others, the world and naturally... ourselves.

How To Do "Small Talk" with Strangers

Different Strokes

People learn and approach situations differently. Some people like to jump straight in and just do things by gut feel, others spend some more time thinking about the task or activity they’re about to do. Sometimes that energy spent on thinking can get in the way of social engagements which are more enjoyable if they have a natural flow.  “Gut-feel people” are guided more by their intuition and the energy they receive as feedback to their behaviour. “Thinkers” sometimes get a little stuck and break the flow that would make mingling with others seem so natural.

However “thinkers” can use balanced and appropriate thinking to their advantage and “gut-feel” people could use some basic concepts to enhance communication and social engagement.

Time Structuring

The psychiatrist Eric Berne gave structure to the time we spend according to his theory of Transactional Analysis. There are six ways we spend time: 

• Withdrawal- the time a person spends on their own without contact with others. This may be intentional lack of engagement with others which each party feels OK with, or lack of contact due to lack of trust or shyness (as examples where one or both parties do not feel OK).

• Rituals- a familiar social interaction which involves gestures and speech particular to culture and language as if rehearsed. Eg. Shaking hands, exchange of “Hello, how are you?” etc. Matching the ritual particular to the other person is important in building rapport and trust and serves as a gateway to less rehearsed ways of spending time with the other.

• Pastimes- eg.  Talking about weather, sport and interests. People talk about something without actually engaging in action on the topic. This is a safe way for people to exchange light strokes (Transactional Analysis concept) and is a stepping-stone to deeper level interaction.

• Activities- people can engage in activity alone or with someone else. This is another structure in which people exchange strokes.

• Games- psychological games are all played out without awareness. They are not necessarily viewed as helpful in conventional interaction. Game-playing takes place when these destructive/unhelpful patterns of behaviour go on repeatedly and without being addressed. Indications a game is being played is when one/both parties are feeling not OK with themselves or the other.

• Intimacy- when people share authentic feelings without censorship, they are engaged in intimacy. These can be “positive” or “negative” feelings.

So "Pastimes" is another word for small-talk. Some examples of questions you might ask to stimulate small-talk are “So what are your interests?”, “What are you looking forward to most this year?”, “What was the highlight of your week?” and so on. Think of your own ones too. 

Doing It

Looking at how your conversation partner dresses, presents themselves, behaves and the energy they give you all are clues you can use to see what kind of topic you might talk about. Being mindful of (not over-thinking) these things can also provide immediate feedback about how the conversation is going.

And remember, the success and joy of a conversation depends on the energy both people put into it. Go easy on yourself, life is about progressive learning.